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'I gave up my identity to survive' says Boy George's mum

Apr 24 2007

By Hanah Stephenson

Boy George's mother, Dinah O'Dowd, talks about the years of abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband, and her relationship now with her famous - and sometimes infamous - son, as her autobiography, Cry Salty Tears, is published Boy George's mother Dinah O'Dowd suffered the worst humiliations and both physical and mental abuse for the best part of 40 years. Her husband Gerald O'Dowd beat her on regular occasions and terrorised her with a knife several times during their married life. But the mother-of-six stayed with him. The final kick in the teeth came when Gerald left her for another woman after 42 years of marriage.He married again within three months of their divorce in 2001. Gerald died two years later after a massive heart attack. At his funeral a few people got up and talked about the man they knew, but Dinah didn't recognise the Gerald they spoke about at all.

This is why she has written Cry Salty Tears, about the husband she knew,to whom she devoted the best part of her life and with whom she had five of her six children.

Of course,the Boy George connection is going to attract attention - indeed he has written an emotional foreword to the book, in which he talks about pleading her to leave his violent father.

"As a bratty teenager,I am ashamed to say that I started to think of Mum as weak because I couldn't understand why she stayed in such a destructive marriage," he says.

"Once I grew up a bit I realised that Mum had stuck out the marriage for her kids and because she truly loved my father and believed in the sanctity of marriage."

Dinah's book is not about her relationship with her famous son, or about the trauma the family suffered when George's brother Gerald stabbed his wife to death and was diagnosed schizophrenic.

Today, Dinah, 68, doesn't want to talk about all that.

Her's is a story of the love and loyalty of a woman who believed that marriage was for life,for better or worse.

She was born in Dublin to an Irish Catholic family but her life became shrouded in shame when she had a baby out of wedlock aged 18.

She soon escaped the stifling atmosphere of Ireland for London, leaving her parents to look after the baby until she was settled.

She met Gerald while working as a barmaid in a pub in south London. He was handsome and charming and she was smitten.

Gerald drifted in and out of construction work and was a gambler,constantly spending any money he earned at the bookies,but they were young and in love.

By 19 Dinah was pregnant again and took to wearing a wedding ring before their marriage.But alarm bells were ringing before the wedding took place.

One day, while serving in a cafe,a young customer asked her out and she flashed her ring telling him she was married.

He took her hand to study the ring just as Gerald walked past the window.

That evening she opened the front door to be punched in the face by her husband-to-be in a jealous rage.

She was five months' pregnant and cowered to protect their unborn child, but it took her some time to calm him down.

A pattern started emerging as,after each attack, Gerald would come back in tears, remorseful and begging for forgiveness.

After another violent beating,she fled the house with her three children to her parents in Birmingham.

But her father told her she'd made her bed and would have to lie in it. So back she went.

On another occasion he held a carving knife to her face,threatening to cut her up if she said another word.

The taunting went on for 10 minutes,but it felt like 10 years.

"I thought he'd kill me and my kids - I believed him and I gave up my identity then. That night I decided I wasn't going to talk to anybody where the situation could be misconstrued, I wasn't going to wear makeup or dress in any way that would make him feel threatened.

"I wore a scarf for about 10 years like a bandana around my head. I reached 50 and still had to ask permission to go to the pictures.You come to believe that that's how men are and you come to accept it.

"As the years went by I learned to be 10 yards ahead of him. I knew what he was going to say and what he was going to do, and in that way I knew how to protect myself and survive," she says.

At one point she attempted suicide,taking an overdose of pills.Gerald found her and dialled 999, and she reached hospital soon enough to have her stomach pumped out.

People question why she stayed with him, but she believed in the institution of marriage,she reflects.And she still loved him.

"I don't think you can turn off love," she says now,"but you lose respect. I felt sorry for him at times.There were people dying around him - his mum and dad died within six months of each other."

While he never became violent with their children, his behaviour towards Dinah had a profound effect on them, she says.

"You try to hide everything from the children but my children knew straight away from my face that something was wrong.

"I always seemed to be calming Gerald down. The kids were scared of him - all except George and my daughter Siobhan.

"George used to answer him back and stick up for me.Later on George said I was the strongest out of the two.Well, I must have been to put up with that."

When George became famous he was incredibly generous to his parents, flying them all over the world to his concerts,buying them holidays,gifts and putting them up in swanky hotels.

He even set his mum up with an allowance so she would be more comfortably off.

She tried to help him recover from the heroin-fuelled drugs spiral which he descended into during the mid 80s following his break up with Culture Club drummer Jon Moss.

At one point she stayed with him at his home in London for three months.

You sense she still worries about him. He hit the headlines again last year admitting a charge of wasting police time and ended up sweeping the streets in New York as his community service order.

"The New York sanitation department said he was one of the best workers they have had,"she says proudly.

"Just like me he got on with the job and tried not to let the media get to him as they dragged all the stuff out about his illness from the 1980s."

Today, her daughter Siobhan and her family live with Dinah in south London. George is back living in London, so she sees more of him, too.

"My kids are my stability," she says. "I see my grandchildren all the time.I know George is working on a new album and a film. He's always busy."

She says she no longer regrets the time she spent with Gerald, who abused her both mentally and physically for so long.

"I came off with the best deal, I got my children. I'm still here,despite all his threats to kill me.I never wished him any harm."

* Cry Salty Tears, by Dinah O'Dowd, is published by Century,priced £9.99. Out now. 

 http://icberkshire.icnetwork.co.uk/1500lifestyle/books/tm_headline=-i-gave-up-my-identity-to-survive--says-boy-george-s-mum&method=full&objectid=18954607&siteid=106484-name_page.html

 

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